Time

I come from a big family, full of nationalities and ideals, and I’ve gathered many stories throughout the years, and watched my grandmothers more than anyone, portray a lifestyle that was from another time, another reality.  My paternal grandmother could write several bestsellers from the horrors and excitement she has survived, and my maternal grandmother possesses a quiet strength, a strength seen by few, an honest courage, that only comes from living a hard life but a full one.  These women have been role models to me throughout time, regardless of how close or distant the relationship was, and even now, as these women are facing the final chapter in their life story, their fearlessness fading into the horizon, I can’t help but be awed by all they have unknowingly taught me.

It’s amazing how every day, we wake up, and repeat the same behavior simply for the sake of habit or materialism that 20 years from now will mean nothing,  Some of us will earn a pension for our efforts, some of us the honor of claiming our successful adult children.  But at the end of the day, when we are alone, our loved ones now engulfed in their own lives and their own families, are we going to look back at those days with happiness?  With pride?  Or wish for more?

Priorities are defined as a thing that is regarded as more important than another, the fact or condition of being treated as more important.  Priorities to my generation have become a career, financial stability, a toy or two, maybe a family, and self.  In the older generations, family was first, especially for a woman, a job second, unless you were a man in which case the first two were reversed.  A toy was a treat, a privilege, not an entitlement.   What was self?  There was no such thing.  You did what you did for the love of a family or a spouse whether you wanted to or not.  Marriage was a priority, finding a true love and not only committing to that love in a church, but for a lifetime thereafter, divorce was revered as one of the most evil sins one could ever commit.  Now?  Divorce is more predominant than marriage, if you can figure that out, for the simple love and search for complete happiness. But what is happiness?  What truly makes and keeps someone happy?  Do we even know anymore? 

I went to visit with my grandma yesterday at her assisted living home.  My grandma, the grandma who once worked two and a half full time jobs, who never sat still between maintaining her home, her kids, her grandkids and making her ever famous homemade chicken noodle soup.  The one who has lived through more loss, more trauma, more fear than anything I could ever imagine, and lived to tell about it.  Not only lived to tell about it, over and over, but with a smile on her now wrinkled face, her head high, her faith higher.  My grandma, once strong as a rock, can now barely hold a spoon up to her mouth to feed herself.  She forgets who I am, she forgets that I remember when my uncle passed away, she can’t see good enough to change the channel on the remote control or write out a birthday card. 

This is the sad truth of aging, I know that, I know that we all go through this and one day I’ll be there too.  But what hit me is how close she lives to me and how rarely I go visit her.   How in such a short period of time, I went from being able to maintain a solid conversation with her, she was coherent enough to connect with me emotionally and physically, and now I’m lucky she remembers me for the span of my visit, let alone being able to talk about anything other than the Tigers, or the food, or the weather.   Yes, I have an out of the home job, yes I have three little kids that more often that not CONSUME my life, and yes I have self care that also needs attending to, like reading and exersizing and breathing in silence, which is OH SO HARD to come by.   Do I want to look back after she’s gone and find regret that I didn’t go visit when I was driving down the street headed elsewhere? 

More important than that, though, it brought up the question of time, how precious it truly is and how easily it can be lost.  I’ve lost great people in my life whether to death or grudges or unresolved drama  or distance.  If I were to be taken tomorrow, these people would never know my heart, they would never know my apologies, my pain at the loss of them from my life.  Likewise the people I am close to still and blessed to still have around, have I done all I can with and for them as a friend, a mother, a sister, a daughter?  Did I give up those dinner plans to go to a milestone birthday party?  Did I make myself available not only to give love but to receive it?

In life, drama is always a step away.  It waits for us at all, like a ghost, the minute the house goes empty and the lights go out, it creeps from the shadows to terrify our life and upset our peace.  Drama only has control if you give it that power.  If you cut it out, refuse to acknowledge it by facing it head on, resolve hurts past and present, discuss misunderstanding, be open to hearing that you aren’t perfect either and even more open to begin a change for the better, think of how much the quality of life could improve.  No more awkward silences or run ins, no more “what if’s”, or “I should have, could have, would have” if given another chance.   No looking back in regret or wonder.  Why stay at a hated job that works you 80 hours a week because you’re afraid you can’t do anything else.  If a buddy asks you to call off and go fishing, GO.  Some day you won’t be able to.  If a girlfriend asks you to go have a cup of coffee but the schedule you’ve planned for the day won’t fit it, throw out that page in the calendar and GO.  Some day she won’t be there to ask.  If your kid asks you to come see them at a party at school midday, CALL OFF AND GO.  One day, they won’t even call you to say hello.  Of course we need to work, and we need to take care of kids and a house, but we don’t need to get so caught up in these things that we lose sight of what is important. 

A million dollars would make anyone happy for the moment, but the money will eventually run out.  Time.  Love.  Quality relationships that build us up and inspire us.  These things are the true treasures.  These things should be sacrificed for, these things should be a focal point for our attention.   Repair what’s broken instead of throwing it away and if it’s beyond fixing, lose no sleep in throwing it away.  Don’t trouble over hurt when their is so much to love.  Don’t focus on tears when there is so much to laugh about.  When you hear a good song, dance no matter where you are and who is around.  Give hugs.  Help a stranger.  Reach out to someone you’ve hurt.  Play with your kids.

My wake up call was very loud yesterday and thankfully I allowed myself to hear it, loud and clear.  I have a lot of answering to do, a lot of wrongs to right and a lot of garbage to dispose of.  This life is full of choices and even the bad ones will direct our future.  Choose wisely. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is there a right or a wrong answer or should I just breathe?

The universe in which we live can be a pretty amazing place to put a head down and be a part of. Its filled with natural beauty no artist could ever recreate, a diversity from one country to the next that movie producers only hope to capture, and a power in relationships that a world renowned author prays to portray. It can also, at times, be a hard place to want to wake up in every day and over the last few weeks I’ve had my fair share of both.

Though I’m probably one of the worst Christians to ever walk the face of this earth, meaning more often than not I take to my own way of doing things, I do, in most things, hold firm to certain values and ideals I was raised upon. The ideals that there is a God, a great One, a loving One, a firm One but a fair One. This God is there for us in our time of need, He is there when we don’t want or need Him to be, and His way is the only way we will get to heaven after our human form takes it’s last breath. These things I agree with, but it’s all the stuff in between that makes “walking the walk” a little tougher to….well….walk.

I’ve never been a trusting person. I’ve always been predominantly shy in social circles and kept only a few people close. Even those few were kept at arms length for a time, some still are, and because in my short 32 years of life, I have been crushed from the inside out by the people who meant the most to me, the closest to me, family, lovers and friends. The people I let my guard down to, the people I gave my heart and bared my soul to, the people who I’ve depended on for an ear or a hand or a hug, have let me down. My story is probably the same for at least half of the human population, but to me it is unique, to me it is harder, because it’s mine and I’ve walked it, alone. In being this way, I’ve tricked myself into believing I’m protected, that I’m saving myself a world of hurt and rejection and more sadness. Ironically, realistically, I have missed the best opportunities for true friendship and to experience love in it’s truest form.

The Bible tells us when someone wrongs us to forgive them. 70×7 we are to turn the other cheek, what does that mean exactly though? Jesus walked with more sinners than He did saints and we, as followers, are to follow His footsteps and constantly ask ourselves “What Would Jesus Do?”. Would Jesus approve of a person consistently being surrounded by lies to remain in a bad place and forced to suffer the pain those lies inflict? Would Jesus be okay watching someone be walked on and emotionally neglected daily because of words only one meant spoken in a church many years ago? Would He want someone to embrace a family member who threatened their loved ones for the sake of the “family” name? The would He’s and what if’s are endless based on who you are and where you’ve been. Is there any right or wrong answer?

I’m all about giving people second chances, I have given several chances to several people over the years and these “chances” have given me nothing but more of the same, only with a different background scene and sometimes different characters. If I say I love God and believe in Him, am I forced, then, for the sake of this belief, to live out a miserable existance, surrounded by people who bring me down? God is a selfish God, but WE aren’t permitted to be selfish. Does this mean it’s selfishness, and therefore a sin, to want a life full of happiness sprinkled with pain instead of the opposite? Or is it okay to have enough and say you’ve had enough and put boundaries up to avoid more “enough” to rear it’s ugly head into your future? God will always love us, but will we be punished for only forgiving 200 times instead of 490?

I believe forgiveness takes a strong soul, a tough stomach. It takes courage, it takes humility. It takes the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and live through their perspective if only momentarily. It takes understanding and compassion, even when you are so angry, not even a straight jacket could keep you contained. The act of forgiveness is not shameful, it’s not foolish, it’s as Christ like as they come. And while Jesus did mingle with the bad guys, He never acted like them, He never appeased them or ignored their faults or condoned their behavior. He separated Himself from the sin and continued to love and pray for the sinner. To me, then, separating yourself from those who harm you or bring you ill will is not condemned, so long as you harbor no bitterness in your heart. And that ugly word is a conversation for another blog:)

I don’t write this to offend those of the Christian faith, and if I have than I truly apologize. My intent is simply to attempt and sort out my current questions of life, love and faith into something I can make sense of and grab onto in order to move forward in the best way. Maybe I am a doubting Thomas, maybe I’m thinking too much from the head and not enough from my heart, something I am guilty of a lot. Maybe in writing this all down I will get hit with a bolt of realization and my questions will no longer be. And maybe it’s just a bunch of useless words on a page I’ve wasted about an hour putting together. What I do know is this. Every scenario is different, to each of us, which makes the joy of being individuals in this vast and crazy universe more powerful. What answer applies to me may not fit for you and that’s okay. It doesn’t make your idea right or mine wrong, it makes it different because I have red heels and you prefer blue pumps. God has a different path for each of us so why not a different set of rules to go along with that path? Of course certain things will always remain black and white. But if He allows us to encounter different people in our lifetimes, and He brings us all a unique set of circumstances and heartache to conquer or run from, can’t what He tells us differ from soul to soul? Person to person?

Maybe I’ll never know the answer, maybe I’ll never have the guts enough or faith enough to face that answer, but I do know this. Everyone has a breaking point and there is no shame or evil in admitting that. Maybe this is a human attribute and not of God. I believe our conscience, however, is a gift from God, and from the moment we reach mental understanding, we have it at our disposal to guide our steps. That conscience is our “crap-o-meter”. It tells us what’s good and bad, what to run to and what to run from, what to fear and what to love. It weeds out the bad eggs from the good. From time to time it may need a tune up, we may let the bad trickle in, but to deny it’s warnings is to deny not only the best our life is trying to give, but God’s direction.

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart into it, then take yourself out of it” – Hardy Jackson

All original content Copyright Sara D Elzerman, 2013.