The do’s and DO NOT EVER’s of public restroom etiquette, 101

It is used by many, cleaned by less and loathed by all (dum dah dum) . . . .the public restroom. We all have a sickening story or five about what we’ve seen, or heard, upon entering into one of these facilities and I think it’s safe to say that no matter how old or young you may be, there are a set of unspoken rules one must follow to make this already hideous experience managable.

I am a member of what society deems “the fairer sex”. Most of us women types are bred from a very wee age to be clean, whether we are doing so for ourselves or others, to be polite, to use manners in everything we do, and above all else, to be a LADY. We put our pinkies up when we drink, we cross our legs in a skirt . . .well . . .most of us do . . .and we personify grace with every move we make. These teachings, apparently, were left out of Charmaines school of potty ethics and so if you will, please take a moment for a lesson of the top 10 behaviors a lady should exude while tending to nature:

10) Your momma/husband/maid doesn’t work here, and we, your coworkers, will not substitute in their absence. I don’t get paid enough to do my own job, let alone clean up after your laziness too. If you get water all over the sink, wipe it up. If you miss the garbage can with your paper towels or, um, “napkins”, pick them up and try try again. Practice makes perfect.

9) Pee belongs IN the bowl. Not around it, not on it, not on the floor surrounding it, INSIDE THE ACTUAL BOWL, where the water sits, in there. If you miss -and I don’t even want to begin imagining how this happens- there is free toilet paper at your disposal to take care of the problem. And yes, ladies, pee all over the seat for a woman who was anatomically DESIGNED to sit her bum down and have all the room in the world to make the target, IS A PROBLEM.

8) Sound affects are AWESOME in stereo surround sitting in the movie theatre, or snuggled up next to your significant other, but they are anything but awesome in the john. I don’t need to hear you grunting like you are benching your weight at the gym, I don’t want to hear you breathing heavy, I don’t want to hear you at all to be honest, I want to pretend you are not even there, so get in, get out, like a stealth spy, and we are golden.

7) If you use the last of the TP, do everyone a favor. It’s okay in this instance to NOT be a tree hugger, the more paper the better, in fact. Share. Either find someone to replace the roll, grab some paper towel and place it on the dowel where the old TP used to live, or grab some TP from the next stall and set it up so the person waiting behind you does not have to “drip dry”. That’s just not nice.

6) Wash. Your. Hands. Please. With soap. Do this. Even if you feel your germs are superior to other’s, even if you swear you are germ free after this event, that no “waste” came anywhere near your paw. While that truly may be the case, that point is irrelevant. There were germs hanging out already when you sat, and then on the paper you touched, and when you touched the door and then when you flushed the toilet, probably up to 20 others shared germs too. And now you, in your delusional “germ free zone” are going to spread your germs AND those 25 others all over the office that I have to breathe in for 7 hours each day. Soap is free, towel is free, PLUS it gets you at least 2 other minutes out of the hum drum bore of the office. Win win all the way around!

5) Do not talk to me while I’m in the stall. You can catch me before, you can hit me up after, but not in the middle. That is my safe place. When that door shuts, so should all outside distractions and conversations. I have one job to do, one that isn’t interesting, a dirty one, and I don’t want to be talking about your love life, my children, and everything in between while I do it. This isn’t like walking in the park, or cooking dinner while on the cell, there are private things going on in there and I do not want you in my head while I’m doing them.

4) So there is this handle looking thing toward the top/back of the toilet, see, and if you push it down, the water and all that’s in the water, will go down this hole to this faraway place that noone needs or wants to know about. It’s magical, really, so be a part of that magic and please . . . .when you are done . . .PUSH THAT LEVER. Also, hang out a minute to make sure it did, in fact, go down that hole. I have this really bad habit of holding things in me until the last minute, with most things in life, including this subject, so when I am ready to go, and that stall opens up, I am IN, and I don’t have time to unbutton my jeans most days, let alone to be grossed out by the art project the last person left behind.

3) Most women have an “aunt flo”, or a “special friend”, or a “time” that comes to visit them every month. None of us particularly enjoy this aunt/friend/time, yet it happens all the same, and we are obligated to do our due diligence in making sure she has the most cleanest of stays imaginable. Regardless of what your grandma said, you CAN flush your tampons down that magical hole I was talking about above. And if you choose to opt for a “padded” option, PLEASE wrap it up before you pitch it. And when you do pitch it, make sure it goes all the way to the bottom of the handy singled out trash bag that each stall is blessed with, so that the next user does not have to get your aunt’s remains on her hands. Yes, ladies, GROSS. It’s bad enough we have our own, we don’t need to deal with your’s too.

2) While commonly a woman is taught that “number two” should be avoided publicly at all times, I will be the first to admit, sometimes it is 100% unavoidable. A lady should have no fear, however, as she should always be prepared and in saying that I mean, they make travel sized perfume and body sprays for a reason. They are fairly cheap, some free. Sneak this sweet stuff in your pocket or your purse, and do not be afraid to bear arms. I personally do not want to come back from lunch and smell someone else’s from the hour before . . .yea, sorry I guess that was a bit much . . . .I’d much rather smell the 2.00 baby soft we used as teens. Help a sister out:)

1) NUMERO UNO, we have reached the end and so we exit with a bang . . . .or rather, a bomb, or rather, DO NOT BOMB. Bombs over baghdad was an awful song, and one I certainly do not want to hear it in the bathroom, live action, from a coworker, that I have to sit with and look at for the rest of the afternoon with a new found air of disgust circling her figure. If you know you are on the verge of a number two situation (as in see above #2 situation), and we all KNOW, ladies, when this time is upon us . . . .if your space is currently occupied with other lingering shoes under the doors, as you feel the fireworks getting ready to pop, three words . . .PREEMPTIVE COURTESY FLUSH. Kills two birds with one stone as follows: Noone else has to hear your turmoil and face embarassment, both for you as the injured and for them being a witness AND the smell will be significantly less if it isn’t lingering around for minutes. You may use this flush as much as possible, I’d much rather hear 10-20 water swirls than, well, the other.

I have omitted rules for the male genre because I am not of this species and something tells me that a good portion of the above is actually done on purpose for reactions sake as guys tend to have a different set of “rules” in this department. I will leave them that as I am never affected by it, but should the day ever come where I am, be ready boys, I will be waiting.

All of these scenarios I have personally faced in inspiration of this list, about three of them just this afternoon, which has prompted my immediate call to action. What would your mother’s say, ladies, your grandmothers? While I am a firm believer in doing your own thing and living for you, I also know we all choose to habitate in a home vs a pig pen. 90% of the time we love our human nature, and therefore, let’s be human, in all areas of our life, and release. What you wouldn’t do for you, don’t force upon someone else.

“Just be clean, girls. That is all.” – Longnote

All original content copyright, Sara Elzerman, 2013.