There are several adages people sling to those in the face of divorce or an ended long term relationship. Whether they’ve lived it personally or through a family member, or just think they know everything, advice mongers will climb out of every corner offering you wisdom. They not only have thoughts on the appropriate time to begin dating, but also on whom you should avoid, what you should try and attract, and the most suitable place to find said persons of interest. I love them all, don’t get me wrong, they are speaking out of heart and that is never anything to rebuke. But how do I weigh who is right and who is wrong? Or do I follow my own heart and figure it out for myself?
Divorce is a heartache not comparable to anything else. It’s a loss of companionship, sentiment, and self. To pick up the pieces and start anew is not only difficult, it proves near impossible some days. That worsens if, like myself, you have been attached and used to one idea, one person, one built in self esteem security system for over a decade. Your relationship foundation, once solid, has crumbled, remains lying around you, floating on the surface on the sea, and sunk far below anything you will ever see again. You are left holding random parts that will never glue back together, and now need to find a way to make a new “safe haven”, a new home, externally and internally. While the court says when things are final based on a date and a stamp from a judge, I know when my marriage hi-tailed it out of my life. I know when that chapter ended and paper or not, it isn’t ever coming back. I don’t need paper to tell me what’s final, I live it every day, and have for quite some time. That book has long been finished. So who better than me to say when I’m ready for the first chapter of the next?
Some tell you to “stay single as long as you can”. Others with a bit more bite like to say “the best way to get over one is under another”. There are warnings of “sharks”, people that prey on a vulnerable situation to make out like a bandit in their own game. There are warnings of “creeps”, more commonly the folk who are jobless, have a criminal record (or should), or are out to get everything but a piece of your heart. To meet at a bar is deplorable, to meet at church is recommended (if only you go to one that isn’t primarily dominated of married couples and seniors and by the way, from personal experience, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT), and then there is the newest dating craze of meeting someone to date “online”, which contrary to common “taboo”, is actually becoming the number one successful method in finding your soul mate.
I am dominantly indecisive in nature. If you ask me what’s my preferred fast food restaurant between McDonalds and Burger King, even though I tend to eat Burger King more, I will dig inside my head to find pro’s for McDonalds until even I am left wondering which truly is my favorite. I am also very loyal to my loved ones, their ideals, and the words they speak into my life. But as each day grows on, I’m also growing a loyalty to myself, someone long neglected and long deserving of a “first dibs” on the advice front. So which do I choose? Which side wins the debate?
While I don’t necessarily know what I want or need at this point, I don’t see how companionship in form of the opposite sex should be considered a bad or harmful thing, nor do I think in finding and establishing said companionship I am setting myself up for an altar walk or green mile of shame. I don’t think going to a movie or dancing, enjoying a meal or entertaining a telephone conversation will take my attention off of my top priorities in life…my children, my self, my future. Choosing to spend my recently expanded free time with someone other than friends or family, a someone who just happens to be of male persuasion, does not make me a bad mother or a bad friend or a bad person. I am not committing a crime. I’m still at the center of my situation and I’m learning daily my biggest fan has to be me, and as I begin to believe in myself more than I ever have, it would be nice to show that sparkle off to someone else once in a while. I’d simply be broadening my circle of amazing friends and shaking off some loneliness. Why not step outside of the box I’ve become so accustomed to, so trapped inside, in search of what could be a little piece of happiness, a little pep in my step from a random text or an unexpected compliment? Every relationship is built with trust and if I’m going to continue in my journey with myself, I need to start trusting that I can and will make the right choice.
Now the only question that remains is where to go? Stay tuned:)
2014 All original content copyright Sara Elzerman
Life according to Longnote . . . 