The do’s and DO NOT EVER’s of public restroom etiquette, 101

It is used by many, cleaned by less and loathed by all (dum dah dum) . . . .the public restroom. We all have a sickening story or five about what we’ve seen, or heard, upon entering into one of these facilities and I think it’s safe to say that no matter how old or young you may be, there are a set of unspoken rules one must follow to make this already hideous experience managable.

I am a member of what society deems “the fairer sex”. Most of us women types are bred from a very wee age to be clean, whether we are doing so for ourselves or others, to be polite, to use manners in everything we do, and above all else, to be a LADY. We put our pinkies up when we drink, we cross our legs in a skirt . . .well . . .most of us do . . .and we personify grace with every move we make. These teachings, apparently, were left out of Charmaines school of potty ethics and so if you will, please take a moment for a lesson of the top 10 behaviors a lady should exude while tending to nature:

10) Your momma/husband/maid doesn’t work here, and we, your coworkers, will not substitute in their absence. I don’t get paid enough to do my own job, let alone clean up after your laziness too. If you get water all over the sink, wipe it up. If you miss the garbage can with your paper towels or, um, “napkins”, pick them up and try try again. Practice makes perfect.

9) Pee belongs IN the bowl. Not around it, not on it, not on the floor surrounding it, INSIDE THE ACTUAL BOWL, where the water sits, in there. If you miss -and I don’t even want to begin imagining how this happens- there is free toilet paper at your disposal to take care of the problem. And yes, ladies, pee all over the seat for a woman who was anatomically DESIGNED to sit her bum down and have all the room in the world to make the target, IS A PROBLEM.

8) Sound affects are AWESOME in stereo surround sitting in the movie theatre, or snuggled up next to your significant other, but they are anything but awesome in the john. I don’t need to hear you grunting like you are benching your weight at the gym, I don’t want to hear you breathing heavy, I don’t want to hear you at all to be honest, I want to pretend you are not even there, so get in, get out, like a stealth spy, and we are golden.

7) If you use the last of the TP, do everyone a favor. It’s okay in this instance to NOT be a tree hugger, the more paper the better, in fact. Share. Either find someone to replace the roll, grab some paper towel and place it on the dowel where the old TP used to live, or grab some TP from the next stall and set it up so the person waiting behind you does not have to “drip dry”. That’s just not nice.

6) Wash. Your. Hands. Please. With soap. Do this. Even if you feel your germs are superior to other’s, even if you swear you are germ free after this event, that no “waste” came anywhere near your paw. While that truly may be the case, that point is irrelevant. There were germs hanging out already when you sat, and then on the paper you touched, and when you touched the door and then when you flushed the toilet, probably up to 20 others shared germs too. And now you, in your delusional “germ free zone” are going to spread your germs AND those 25 others all over the office that I have to breathe in for 7 hours each day. Soap is free, towel is free, PLUS it gets you at least 2 other minutes out of the hum drum bore of the office. Win win all the way around!

5) Do not talk to me while I’m in the stall. You can catch me before, you can hit me up after, but not in the middle. That is my safe place. When that door shuts, so should all outside distractions and conversations. I have one job to do, one that isn’t interesting, a dirty one, and I don’t want to be talking about your love life, my children, and everything in between while I do it. This isn’t like walking in the park, or cooking dinner while on the cell, there are private things going on in there and I do not want you in my head while I’m doing them.

4) So there is this handle looking thing toward the top/back of the toilet, see, and if you push it down, the water and all that’s in the water, will go down this hole to this faraway place that noone needs or wants to know about. It’s magical, really, so be a part of that magic and please . . . .when you are done . . .PUSH THAT LEVER. Also, hang out a minute to make sure it did, in fact, go down that hole. I have this really bad habit of holding things in me until the last minute, with most things in life, including this subject, so when I am ready to go, and that stall opens up, I am IN, and I don’t have time to unbutton my jeans most days, let alone to be grossed out by the art project the last person left behind.

3) Most women have an “aunt flo”, or a “special friend”, or a “time” that comes to visit them every month. None of us particularly enjoy this aunt/friend/time, yet it happens all the same, and we are obligated to do our due diligence in making sure she has the most cleanest of stays imaginable. Regardless of what your grandma said, you CAN flush your tampons down that magical hole I was talking about above. And if you choose to opt for a “padded” option, PLEASE wrap it up before you pitch it. And when you do pitch it, make sure it goes all the way to the bottom of the handy singled out trash bag that each stall is blessed with, so that the next user does not have to get your aunt’s remains on her hands. Yes, ladies, GROSS. It’s bad enough we have our own, we don’t need to deal with your’s too.

2) While commonly a woman is taught that “number two” should be avoided publicly at all times, I will be the first to admit, sometimes it is 100% unavoidable. A lady should have no fear, however, as she should always be prepared and in saying that I mean, they make travel sized perfume and body sprays for a reason. They are fairly cheap, some free. Sneak this sweet stuff in your pocket or your purse, and do not be afraid to bear arms. I personally do not want to come back from lunch and smell someone else’s from the hour before . . .yea, sorry I guess that was a bit much . . . .I’d much rather smell the 2.00 baby soft we used as teens. Help a sister out:)

1) NUMERO UNO, we have reached the end and so we exit with a bang . . . .or rather, a bomb, or rather, DO NOT BOMB. Bombs over baghdad was an awful song, and one I certainly do not want to hear it in the bathroom, live action, from a coworker, that I have to sit with and look at for the rest of the afternoon with a new found air of disgust circling her figure. If you know you are on the verge of a number two situation (as in see above #2 situation), and we all KNOW, ladies, when this time is upon us . . . .if your space is currently occupied with other lingering shoes under the doors, as you feel the fireworks getting ready to pop, three words . . .PREEMPTIVE COURTESY FLUSH. Kills two birds with one stone as follows: Noone else has to hear your turmoil and face embarassment, both for you as the injured and for them being a witness AND the smell will be significantly less if it isn’t lingering around for minutes. You may use this flush as much as possible, I’d much rather hear 10-20 water swirls than, well, the other.

I have omitted rules for the male genre because I am not of this species and something tells me that a good portion of the above is actually done on purpose for reactions sake as guys tend to have a different set of “rules” in this department. I will leave them that as I am never affected by it, but should the day ever come where I am, be ready boys, I will be waiting.

All of these scenarios I have personally faced in inspiration of this list, about three of them just this afternoon, which has prompted my immediate call to action. What would your mother’s say, ladies, your grandmothers? While I am a firm believer in doing your own thing and living for you, I also know we all choose to habitate in a home vs a pig pen. 90% of the time we love our human nature, and therefore, let’s be human, in all areas of our life, and release. What you wouldn’t do for you, don’t force upon someone else.

“Just be clean, girls. That is all.” – Longnote

All original content copyright, Sara Elzerman, 2013.

NO MAKEUP FOR BEAUTY Challenge DAY 5: Now what?

The challenge is at a close, and I am left with a bittersweet taste in my heart. I will miss being on a confidence kick from rocking “my naked face”, for it has made me bolder, and believe it or not, allowed me to feel prettier at times, more content than ever to just be me. But while I have had a bit of fun realizing the hard truths about myself and the world in which I live, I am not able to say I will never again wear makeup or that this “study” has turned me off from liking to wear make up. Much to my dismay, that would be an outright lie. I still it: I love my powder and the fact that my foundation can take years off my eye area, how my gloss can make my lips look two sizes bigger. The difference is, now, I have ALSO learned to love my face WITHOUT the the war paint, the zits, the blotches, the crows feet, all the icky mixed in with the good. And lo and behold, I will admit as I truly have learned, there is much good!

Negative to no makeup: Not a one today, not a one.
Perk of no makeup: Not having to wipe off the day old eyeliner that I forgot to take off the night before. Owie, right?
AND, for extra fun, the glow of a perfectly clean face has begun to feel like home and, without being too arrogant, in the words of one of my favorite work buds, “it’s working for me”.

Social test: Work, grocery store, dance AND the mall. No fears to report, no nervous strides embarked in my hot pink Nike’s, all and all I have become accustomed to this new “attitude” and wear it well. If I were being honest, and I do my best to do that often, I’ve actually noticed more women NOT wearing makeup in public than ever before. Did I not care before to look, being so blinded by my every day personal struggle with vanity? Am I late to the party here, has this trend been going on all along and I’m just now jumping on the bandwagon?

Revelation: MY LAST ONE:( Going out with a bang here, but with great leaps come great things. The biggest, hardest pillto swallow in this entire challenge is as follows: Make up, regardless of the context it is used in, is a mask. We put it on to hide our flaws, to perk up our assets, and put on a persona of something we want to be instead of what and who we really are. Whether you put it on for fun, pleasure, or because the thought of someone seeing your naked face makes you uneasy, you are putting it on. In life, each of us is a co-conspirator, and not just with makeup. Clothing, material possessions, friendships we keep, jobs we take, social issues we fight for – how many different masks do we keep and why? Are you the same person at home that you are with family? At the office? At the bar after work with friends? Do you fight for a certain right in public the same as you do with a select few of “learned” individuals?
Enter another great film “Runaway Bride”. The character played by the beautifully funny Julia Roberts has had a slew of failed relationships in her past. In researching her life’s backstory for an article, Richard Gere finds out that with every different man she loved, she liked her eggs a different way. With one overeasy, another poached, and so on. She didn’t feel comfortable with herself, she had lost herself along the way, her persona entangled into everyone else’s viewpoints, opinions and needs that with every relationship she morphed into what she felt she had to be.
Tough stuff, that. How do you like your eggs?

Heart says: I like mine over-easy, or “dippy eggs” as I used to tell my mom in the morning. If I can’t dip my toast into it, forget about it. Thankfully, my egg preference has always been the same, BUT, in more important places of myself, not so much. I’ve changed much and more of my ideals, my wants, needs, goals because I felt someone else wanted me to, or I’d fit in better with the crowd I wanted to be “in” with if I pretended to like things this way. My makeup is only the surface of this issue. Where else in life do I “put on a mask”, what made me do it, how long have I been doing it, and more importantly, what can I start doing to get it off?
Being yourself, while sounding so generic, is actually one of the most amazing points to a great personality because it’s one of the hardest things to do in life, no matter who you are or where you came from. At first, you must truly know yourself, love your flaws and your assets and realize that there is no such thing as ultimate perfection. No, let me rephrase, ACCEPT there is no such thing. Don’t let someone’s opinion of you become your reality. Make your own reality. KNOW what you want and what it will take to get it. KNOW what you dislike and don’t try to justify reasons to stay away from it, just let it go. Habits aren’t formed overnight and they don’t go away that quickly either, but if you strive to work on something one moment, one day at a time, with dilligence, with perserverance, the mask will fade away and you will be staring at your beautiful, naked heart in the mirror.
If you are anything like me, a control freak of sorts who has to have everything in its own little box because it makes sense there, who takes everyone else’s view of your life more seriously than you do your own side of the story, this next part will be a struggle for you. Lay down . . .trust me . . .I have my feet up just typing it. In most things, there are no absolute shades of black and white. I know. I know. Take a breather, it will all be okay. There are several shades of grey in this little life we live and that is okay. That is okay. That is OKAY. What side of the grey do you want to be on? What shade of grey makes you, YOU? Wipe away the superficial, other’s expectations of you, guilt of failures past or embarassment at foolish dreams. Only YOU can answer this.

I have proven the stereotype that pretty girls are usually the most insecure. We have issues too, contrary to some’s belief, stemming from inside to out, and the work we put in isn’t any more easy than that of someone the world labels “not so pretty”. I have also proven I have issues, tons, buckets full, and this is only the icing on the cake in bringing those demons out of the catacombs. I started easy – the makeup was just the beginning and gave me the start of what now is turning to be a very inviting overhaul makeover of life, a process that will take years, a relationship that will be the longest one I’ve ever had, one that I can be proud of, one that I can leave as a legacy to my kids and their kids after them.

In closing, I challenge all of you to do something big. Something grandiose, whether it sounds easy, ridiculous, impossible. Our true character is seen when pushed outside of it’s comfort zone. Surprise yourself, surprise someone else.
Take it deeper. Quiet yourself, not everything that goes through your head is normal, nor does it need an audience. Don’t shy away from making someone else feel good about themselves. Watch your mouth, even the simplest things said can change a future. Love your “issues” just as much as you love your “strengths”, in ignoring them you are becoming your worst enemy. Be a light in a world of darkness, it’s okay to be different. BE YOURSELF.

Although I know it’s unfair I reveal myself one mask at a time.
Stephen Dunn

Until next time<3

All original content copyright Sara Elzerman, 2013.

NO MAKEUP FOR BEAUTY Day 1: Heading out . . . .

Day one has come and gone.  I survived, and it was much easier than I thought . . .except for when it wasn’t:)  Though I don’t live in makeup, I enjoy wearing it, and I always have.   I enjoy taking the time and looking in the mirror when it’s on that last time and internally saying “Very nice”.  I do not wear it every day, but the times I DO NOT wear it I’m usually housebound, only venturing out of the house in ER or no sleep situations. With that being said, some of you may think this challenge is an easy one and for some of you it just might be.  I am not one of those people which tells me now more than ever, this challenge is my “lent”, on a journey of sacrifice and self worth.

Hardest part of no makeup day 1: My nervous’ systems reaction to excitement or fright = red blotches

Perk of no makeup day 1: I got 20 extra minutes to watch a Beverly Hills 90210 rerun yesterday

Social “test” of no makeup day 1: To the bowling alley I go! For those of you who aren’t regular bowlers, a Sunday afternoon of open bowling is one of the most non socially confrontational things you can do.  The alley is usually a ghost town, save for one or two families taking their kids out for a couple of hours.  It’s a safe zone, a perfect ground zero to buck up and face myself “as is”.  So, imagine my dismay if you will, as we drive into the parking lot, and I see it PACKED full of cars.  The butterflies have been unleashed and my head is whirling as to what could possibly be causing all the traffic.  A tournament, it turns out.  Of men.  And not just men.  FIREFIGHTERS.  True story. I begin my walk down the blue carpeted mile, my arms crossed, head down, not only wishing I would have started this tomorrow but also wishing I would have opted for the jeans vs yoga pants.  You know what they say . . .go big or go home…… Tournament bowlers are lined to the left and the right, drinking, watching the game (GO TIGERS), hanging in their herds, eyes on me, judging, whispering, laughing, or so I fear.   The truth, however, proves me wrong, and the truth is this:  Listen ladies –   They don’t care.   They aren’t there to “pick up chics”, they aren’t waiting for me to walk through that door noticing my every move.  They are there to bowl, to have their guy time, swear at their dissapointments, slap high 5s for the strikes, and go home.  Now, had I been wearing a skin tight leather mini with my upper “twins” hanging out, maybe I would have attracted some attention at first step.  But let’s be honest, who wouldn’t be attracted to that kind of ridiculous at 1pm on a Sunday in a bowling alley?   Men are not the problem . . . .yes, I did just say that, go ahead and record it.

Revelation day 1:  I am my own worst enemy when it comes to insecurity.  Not society, not men’s ideals of what a “beautiful” woman is defined as (thank you Sports Illustrated), not the PTA, me.  Not everyone is watching me 24/7, just waiting to see what I’m wearing, what shoes I’m wearing,  or if my eyeliner is smudged.  When did I become so significant to everyone, including strangers I know nothing about?  Reality check – I’m not.  People will go about their lives, big and small, without ever thinking two seconds of me, some without ever knowing my name, so why is it I spend SOOOOO much time contemplating and consuming my thoughts about others, or rather, how I am portrayed to them?

Insecurity heart check day 1:  I have an innate need to feel important, a need to be noticed.  Maybe I never felt this in childhood and this is my way of trying to correct that dysfunction.  It certainly wasn’t present in past relationships, romantic or otherwise.  Ultimately, the cold hard truth is that I’ve never had a strong or healthy relationship with myself. The issue lies at my doorstep. I’VE lacked feeling important because i’ve lacked making myself important.  I’VE lacked being “noticed” for the right reasons because I don’t notice myself. I don’t take the time to relax, to learn my strengths and weaknesses as a person instead of a portrait. I’ve become more caught up in what so and so says and thinks than I am with what I want and need. I’ve lost my voice, or did I ever even have it? Simply desiring or striving for these things isn’t the problem, but if I go about attaining them the wrong way they become destructive, not only to me, but to the one’s I love.  Too often do I go through the motions of life. Much to say but kept my mouth shut, dreams at the tips of my fingertips and I’ve closed my fist instead of reaching for them, sitting on the side line instead of jumping into the game head on.  These things are no-one’s fault but my own, and yet, I can find a way to fault them on someone else, up, down and sideways in fact, till I’m blue in the face. That stops now. Well, not right now. Habits aren’t formed overnight and they certainly won’t stop that quickly. But rather, the work begins now.

Goal to inner beauty day 1: When and where I can, I will make time to learn myself. I will learn to love who I am, I will accept my flaws and discover ways to fix them. I will mourn over who I was or ways I’ve changed, and heal to become better. I may be old, but I’m not dead, and the quest to improve never truly stops until the opera lady sings:)

Until day 2, food for thought. . .
Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking that you are worthy.
Wayne Dyer